the unsent letter, the unspoken words - the third letter

“Tuhan memang satu, kita yang tak sama. Haruskah aku lantas pergi, meski cinta takkan bisa pergi...” Peri Cintaku - Marcell

*     *     *

Dear someone that I start to catch a feeling with, how was your day? I am hoping that your day is good and as bright as your smile.

I am lying on my bed; there are so many thoughts in my head and you are one of it –or mostly. I am starting to think about how sweet your smile is and how funny your face is when you are laughing. Also, I have been thinking (and dreaming, frankly speaking) about you lately. It was weird, and kind of torturing for me because you know, I can only like (or love) you like that in my dreams. We are really different in so many ways.

First of all, considering your age, you are no longer looking for relationship that only for fun. I know you’re starting to find your only one, and destiny. So am I. However, the idea of marriage really scares me to death. Because, I will spend the rest of my life with someone and I am going to comply with my husband. In the other side, I still want to chase my dreams to have master degree overseas, be an entrepreneur, a radio announcer, and when I’m finally settled I would like to be a prekindergarten teacher. Will I be allowed to do that? I want to travel around the world to see another culture, perspectives, learn new things. Can I?

Second reason. I don’t know about your type, but considering your former crush –someone that I replace in my division—I am totally different. Well, honestly I am nobody’s type –or that’s what I’ve believed until now.

Third, I do not know if your colleagues like me or not. They see me as a lost one, still a childish one –since I am the new girl in my department and ten year apart from your age. It feels like I am in the jungle when I came into your room and they are ready to kick me anytime soon. Well, let’s hope it’s just in my imagination. Hopefully.

The last one is the most crucial. We have different perspective regarding our faith. For me is my religion, for you is your religion. Checkmate, case closed.

I know I always keen on someone that has different faith with me, and that’s kind of torture that I cannot bear. If you asked me, what I like about you, the answer will be probably “No” cause I have no idea at all. It’s just come naturally. The only thing if this is real, I finally can let go what I thought I couldn’t. You make me.

One time, you I found a good quote from Augusten Burroughs. It says, “The people I’ve loved in my life have never been easy to love. I’m not used to normal. I’m used to disaster.” The second I read the quotes, I’m thinking: “Yes, I always love people that never been easy to love.” And yes, you are one of it.

the unsent letter, the unspoken words - the second letter

“So why don’t you go your way, and I’ll go mine. Live your life, and I’ll live mine. Baby you do well, and I’ll be fine. Cause we better of, separated...” Separated - Usher

*     *     *

Dear someone that I used to know, it’s been a while since our very last conversation. It is kind of weird to talk to you again after all through a letter, or a short story written in letter format.

I know, now you’re belong to someone that really suits your type. A dream girl comes true, if I could say. Skinny, long and black hair, pretty and all the qualities all you want that I don’t have at all. Congratulation. She wins your heart.

I keep saying I have moved on –well, I have—but sometimes the feeling is just there and I have no idea what should I do to fix it. I try to ignore and act like it doesn’t matter at all, while in the reality it kills me mentally. People say it’s okay to feel that way, because it’s normal. It is very human, they said –and I guess so.

I dreamt about you, two nights ago. It was weird, and it makes me throw back to the memories when you were mine and I was yours.

I remember the day when you told me, you like me. I like you too, and it wasn’t weird at all. Then you asked me, “so now we’re in a relationship huh?” and my cheeks were blushed.

I remember our first fight. It hurts me until now. It keeps haunting me every-night, it affects how I think about myself; it does more damage than the day you left me behind.

You left me, and I can’t remember exactly how we broke up. All I can remember is just its unbearable pain. I cried every freaking night and it was so hard to breath properly –at that time. It feels like there is something that gone from its place. I feel empty, hollow, and lost. All I could do was just asking myself, “What did I do wrong?”

I keep questioning myself, until one of your friend –which is my friend too—in campus told the reason why we broke up. You said, “I don’t want to bother her internship in Germany cause I know, she’ll be worrying I’ll cheat on her. I don’t want her to stop chasing her dreams just because of me. She deserves better.”

That, that’s the reason you never told me before. All I know, I was not good enough for you.

And the idea of not good enough still haunts me every-freaking-day. I’ve tried to fall in love again, but I am afraid I will never be good enough for someone I’ll love in the future. Too much laugh, too much love, too much care, too much independent (this is the reason sometimes you hate me cause I did not like to ask you for something I need), too sensitive, and sometimes my mind cannot be understood. I am afraid they will leave sooner or later. The worst, they don’t even want to get closer since the first day I know them.

Hey, I am afraid.

the unsent letter, the unspoken words - the first letter

“Dirimu di hatiku, sudah terlalu lama. Biarlah ku mencoba, untuk tinggalkan semua.” Biarlah – Killing Me Inside

*     *     *

Good morning you, someone that I should’ve forget years ago. I am sitting on the coffee shop and listened to the song that we listened when we went back home from the biggest mall in Serpong, at that time. All I can remember is your silly wide smile with your white teeth, and your big hand that held mine. I was afraid we would crush someone’s car cause you only held the steer with one hand. Well, it’s been a long long time ago – 8 years and still counting.

My mind is wandering back to 11 years ago, when it was the first time I saw you in my house –or in my living room to be precise. I sat in the dining room when I caught you saw me from the living room, and it made me blushed. And if I could count, it happened more than once –or two! I can’t remember every detail that happened in the first time, but I still remember pieces that feel like a fresh memory.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up with your precious motorcycle and we went back from my school with laugh and silly things. I like the smell of yours; I like how big you were so I could hug you at that time. It felt safe, in your arms.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up at my house just to go to the most hype place in South Jakarta. Just to enjoy night lights, a glass of ice chocolate and a cup of coffee. We really had a nice night and drinks, until we decided to go back home. You hugged me so tight and it made me cried. You said sorry, for leaving.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up and it was so hard to decide where we would go. Until we decide to go to the biggest mall at Serpong, at that time. 

With a cup of latte macchiato, a glass of ice lemon tea and a plate of ultra moist chocolate cake, we talked about anything. Laid my head on your laps and you played with my hair. It felt nice after all, furthermore when we went back home you held my hand, listened to a song that still stuck in my head, and when we arrived you kissed my lips. Long, and intoxicate one. I flew away, but then I hit the ground again.

Did I forget to tell everyone that you aren’t mine but someone else, and so am I? We –at that time—have someone that cannot be left for someone else, cause that’s who we are. I knew, I was so stupid (and selfish apparently)

I still remember the day when you really mad at me, cause you’ve waited for so long in front of my house but I wasn’t home. Well that’s, the last day I hear anything about you.

Now I know nothing about you, where you are, still with her or not, or anything about you recently... All I know now is, I am missing you and this is not good at all. You are belong to someone, and all I need to do is back away.

Hey, it’s been eleven years. It’s not that long after all, isn’t it?

I don't want to have kids

So, my colleague asked me today. "Tika, do you like kids?" with her confused face (and I was wondering why. perhaps, it isn't shown on my face(?) and I answered, "Yes, I like kids. But I don't plan to have any." and one of my boss continued my answer with "for now, right?" and I was just standing there and smirk. "No, I don't want to." 

and so does, here my writing begins :)

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Hidup dikelilingi dengan keponakan yang lucu-lucu, baik dari kakak dan para sepupu, membuat gue menyukai anak kecil. Main-main bareng, makan bareng atau sekedar bukain buku untuk baca bersama, gue suka akan hal-hal tersebut. But thinking of having kids, I think no.

Dulu, pas gue baru masuk kuliah, gue berpikir mengenai menikah dan mempunyai anak. Akan tetapi, semenjak mengenal yang namanya dunia bekerja, hal itu mendadak nguap ilang begitu aja. Mungkin itu seperti keinginan sesaat karena berpikir, bekerja dan menghasilkan uang itu sangat menyenangkan. I want to be independent, you know. Tapi entahlah, mungkin nanti siapa tau gue kepengin hal itu lagi.

Lalu, ketika gue magang di Jerman, gue ternyata jatuh sakit. I have diabetes type 2. Dan dari sanalah, gue mulai berpikir untuk mempunyai anak. My teacher told me, "It's okay Kartika, you still can have kids. Don't worry."

Alasan pertama gue adalah penyakit. Mempunyai penyakit diabetes, membuat gue berpikir untuk mempunyai anak. Apalagi, kalau anak gue nanti perempuan. Kemungkinan dia akan menerima penyakit gue, lebih besar. Belum ditambah riwayat penyakit di keluarga gue, yang belum gue ketahui. Mungkin gue dibilang nanti nggak mau punya anak, karena nggak mau susah untuk urusnya dan menjaganya. Nope. Lebih kepada, gue nggak mau dia hidup menderita serba dibatasi karena penyakitnya akan membuat komplikasi kemana-mana. Yang kemungkinan, dia akan iri sama nanti teman-teman sebayanya, you know.

Alasan kedua gue adalah, murni nyambung sama postingan kemarin. I want to work so hard, be rich as hell, so then I can help others. Di dunia yang penuh dengan penderitaan ini, banyak anak-anak yang nggak terurus. Pendidikannya nggak selesai karena orangtua yang tidak peduli, makan dan minum pun mereka masih harus mengais sampah, tidur di tempat yang tidak layak. Dengan bekerja keras dan menghasilkan sebanyak-banyaknya, gue ingin membiayai mereka yang kurang beruntung, terutama anak kecil dengan keadaan yang gue sebutkan di atas. 

Dan menurut gue, it's a win-win solution. I have foster kids, they don't inherit my hereditary disease, and they have chances to live a better life. So then, the world would be a better place to live for anyone in this world. 

cita-citamu, mau jadi apa?

So one month ago, my business manager asked me something when he interviewed me. He asked, "What is your biggest dream?" and I simply answered, "To be an inspiration, for others." and here it is, my writing begins.

* * *

Dulu, pas kita masih kecil pasti ditanya, "Kamu mau apa kalau udah besar nanti?" atau "Cita-cita kamu apasih?" kurang lebih seperti itu. Dulu, ketika gue ditanya seperti itu jawaban gue banyak banget. 

Pertama, dulu gue kepengin menjadi artis (well, who doesn't?) terus kepengin menjadi penyanyi (ini murni karena gue suka banget nyanyi, ikut padus di SD & SMP, disekolahin nyanyi sama bokap), terus pas SMA kepengin jadi ahli gizi (semacam nutritionist gitu lah), eh pas kuliah malah masuk ke dunia bisnis dan marketing malah kepengin jadi pebisnis buka perusahaan sendiri bareng temen kuliah. Di tengah jalan perkuliahan pun juga kadang kepengin menjadi jurnalis, penyiar radio (iya ini karena ikut ekskul radio dan murni gue bacot orangnya), penulis skrip film (dan mengharumkan perfilman Indonesia tentunya) dan intinya keinginan gue banyak banget saat itu. Dan sampai pada akhirnya, masuklah gue ke sebuah sekolah berkurikulum internasional. Bekerjalah gue di perusahaan ini, dan gue merasa enjoy. Surrounded by happy kids, great food and environment, and everything else. 

Sampai suatu hari, ada rekan gue bilang, "You work too hard, what is it for?" and I just simply said.,"For money, I want to be rich as hell." And he said, "Well, having lots of money cannot guarantee you will be happy if you're not enjoying your life." dan karena gue sudah malas menjelaskan WHY DO I WANT TO BE RICH AS HELL, gue putuskan untuk nggak membalas teks dia sama sekali. 

Mungkin kalian semua juga bakalan bingung, "Apa hubungannya to be an inspiration dan to be rich as hell." frankly speaking, gue juga bingung hahahaha-- tapi sebenernya sedikit nyambung kok. 

Jadi begini, gue punya bokap sebagai panutan hidup gue. Dia orang yang paling bekerja keras yang pernah gue temuin di dunia ini. Melihat dia bekerja keras, sehingga dia menghasilkan seperti sekarang, membuat gue benar-benar kagum. Dan dari situlah, gue kepengin menjadi seperti dia, menginspirasi orang di sekitarnya sehingga mereka terpacu untuk beraksi dan berubah menjadi lebih baik lagi. 

Dan apa sih hubungannya sama menjadi kaya raya? 

Gue ingin bekerja keras, menghasilkan banyak uang, sehingga gue bisa memberikan sebagian itu ke orang-orang yang memang benar-benar membutuhkan untuk mewujudkan mimpinya. Gue ingin apa yang gue lakukan ke dia, menjadi inspirasi bagi dia untuk menjadi lebih baik lagi dan jika dia sukses, dia bisa melakukan hal yang sama seperti gue. You know, agent of influence. Gue ingin menularkan kebaikan yang mungkin bisa membuat dunia ini menjadi lebih baik lagi untuk ditinggali. 

Mungkin gue terlalu naif, tapi nggak ada salahnya kan untuk terus berusaha dan berharap? ;)

salah lagi deh jatuh cintanya!

"Jurang yang dalam, pisahkan kita. Yang tak mungkin, untuk dilalui. Biarlah lagu cinta ini, terdengar dalam kalbu." Ada Band - Senandung Lagu Cinta

"Tuhan memang satu, kita yang tak sama. Haruskah aku lantas pergi, meski cinta takkan bisa pergi."
Marcell - Peri Cintaku


*     *     *


Mungkin, kedua lagu di atas, sedikit nggak nyambung satu sama lain. Yang satu lagunya terpisah karena yang dicintainya sudah memiliki yang lain, yang satu lagunya terpisah karena agama. Dan mungkin, beberapa teman (juga diri gue) mengalami hal yang seperti itu.

(Katakanlah) gue sedang memikirkan orang yang seharusnya nggak gue pikirin. Entah kenapa dia mendadak datang ke hidup gue, atau gue baru menyadari, bahwa dia sudah berada di dalam lingkaran hidup gue. Kenalnya juga bukan kenal karena "Hai, kenalan dong." malah kalo boleh dibilang, ya kenalnya juga karena dia mendadak ada di tempat gue melakukan kegiatan tambahan di kampus. Dan nanya sama junior gue "dia siapa sih? kok mendadak ada di sini?" dan gue ama junior gue jadi ngata-ngatain dia sama junior gue yang satunya lagi. Ngatain mereka cinlok dan akan segala macem, eh malah gue yang kena.

Awal gue naksir dia juga kayaknya nggak cliché semacam kayak sinetron gitu. Berantem-berantem di awal, terus jatuh cinta di akhir. Atau drama diam diam suka lalu menjadi gila. nope. Gue naksir ehem mulai memikirkan dia, karena sering ketemu, ngobrol, dan bertukar pendapat (meskipun pada akhirnya ya punya pendapat yang sama)
Mulai dari perhatian kecil, dan kelakuan (yang memang manner seharusnya) sopan ke perempuan, dan inget hal detail, it amazes me. Dengan susahnya mencari cowok -belum ketemu aja kali ya, gausah tersinggung guys- dia kayak one in a million (macem lagu aja sih gue ini, apalah)
Mungkin, guenya juga yang ke-geer-an dengan niat baik dia, jadi ya gue sedikit mengira ada apa-apa.
Sekalinya ada apa-apa pun, gue akan kepikiran. Dan ini adalah tentang keyakinan kita masing-masing.


Kadang, gue (atau pasangan di luar sana yang mengalami kayak gue) bertanya sama Tuhan, kenapa dipertemukan dan jatuh cinta dengan orang yang berbeda atau sudah berpasangan (ini sih amit-amit, masa iya mau jadi pihak ketiga) Rasanya egois aja, kenapa Ia menciptakan kita berbeda, membuat kita jatuh cinta dengan yang berbeda, atau apapun itu.

Tapi gue sadar. Seharusnya gue nggak bertanya kepada Tuhan. Seharusnya gue bertanya kepada diri gue sendiri, "Kenapa gue membiarkan diri gue, menaruh hati kepada orang yang salah?"

Mungkin, sering kali, kita jatuh cinta kepada orang  yang -menurut kita- salah karena kita merasakan suatu tantangan untuk melanggar aturan tersebut. Katanya dengan menantang adrenalin lo itu, lo bakalan merasa hidup tapi setelah gue telaah, "sampai kapan lo membiarkan adrenalin lo itu membuat lo merasa hidup dan mungkin ujungnya akan menyakiti diri lo sendiri?"
Meskipun rada nggak nyambung dan sok bijak, gue juga belom bisa memngatur diri gue, supaya nggak terus-terusan melanjutkan hal yang harusnya nggak gue lanjutkan.

Tapi ya begitu. Hati manusia siapa yang tau. Dia nggak pernah terkoneksi sama otak yang selalu menggunakan logika. Mungkin, di otak gue udah sering berkata: "Udahlah Tik, stop." atau "Nggak mungin deh Tik. Beda agama. Dia juga pasti mikir." tapi hati gue terkadang "Kenapa nggak dicoba aja sampai dia bilang enggak?" Emang bego sih terkadang. But that's love. It makes us such a fool. 

things to write to understand yourself better - ugh, really?

so, I just went through @BestProAdvice twitter and I found this picture. and it might help me to understand myself by answering what is written there. well, just give it a try!

and here is, my answers :)

1. chocolates, white roses, sacrifices, cuddles, forehead kiss 

2. My feeling towards something

3. Christian Simamora's books - ugh

4. My day is flat - like a flat tire (yicks)

5. "I totally regret that I ever spend my life with you."

6. Nothing -- music is music, no matter how cheesy or cheeky it is, I still listen to it 

7. Cockroach, bees, flies, mosquito, spiders

8. I had sandwich with turkey salami and cheese for breakfast, chocolate frappe while waiting the train back home, and pom döner for lunch

9. Education is important for me. And if I had chance to get scholarship for postgraduate program, I will take it!

10. Without You by Usher, The One That Got Away by Katy Perry, 22 by Taylor Swift, Can't Remember to Forget You by Shakira&Rihanna, Dancing Queen by ABBA, Unconditionally by Katy Perry, The Wire by Haim, Terpesona by Glenn Fredly ft Audy, A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay, and Mmbop by Hanso brothers.

11. I love my family, my core family.
12. Richard Gasquet, Brett Dalton, Jesse Eisenberg, nurse in Marien Krankenhaus (I do not know his name hahaha) and Jeremy Renner
13. I am fat, and I do not like it.. I need to lose another 6 kilos!
14. I am wearing unicorn sweater with deep blue jeans and deep blue shoes (I love this jeans and flat shoes..)
15. I am Scorpio and yes I believe some things about my horoscope..
16. What if I made mistake in the future?
17. I am proud of what I've done with my last internship
18. Diabetics. Forever problem in my life. Ah, and also my body weight. Hhhh
19. Nike air force 1, fossil watch, leather stuffs, apple products, chocolate
20. I am afraid of marriage... I keep wondering why..
21. Though I am afraid of marriage, I still want to have a family. One small happy wealthy family and that is what I want my future be.
22. My academic? Well, I am recently proud of it and yes I want to continue my study abroad (postgraduate in USA sounds interesting)
23. I miss my mom, been six years since her gone. I also miss someone that already belong to someone (well, feels like I am a bitch)
24. (empty)
25. My internship in Germany. It feels like.... Butterflies in my tummy. And confusing.
26. I like my capability to work in order, flexible, able to make someone laugh yet I dislike myself for being moody (or let my mood ruins my daily work)
27. "Be happy no matter what happened"
28. I would like to move to Italia and I'd like to visit Vatican to be honest...
29. Peanut butter (I am addicted to this one!), broccoli (I know..), eggs (favorite!), greek yogurt and white tiger.. - are those things weird?
30. I am so excited about my new house that will be finished on July 2014! :)