the unsent letter, the unspoken words - the first letter

“Dirimu di hatiku, sudah terlalu lama. Biarlah ku mencoba, untuk tinggalkan semua.” Biarlah – Killing Me Inside

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Good morning you, someone that I should’ve forget years ago. I am sitting on the coffee shop and listened to the song that we listened when we went back home from the biggest mall in Serpong, at that time. All I can remember is your silly wide smile with your white teeth, and your big hand that held mine. I was afraid we would crush someone’s car cause you only held the steer with one hand. Well, it’s been a long long time ago – 8 years and still counting.

My mind is wandering back to 11 years ago, when it was the first time I saw you in my house –or in my living room to be precise. I sat in the dining room when I caught you saw me from the living room, and it made me blushed. And if I could count, it happened more than once –or two! I can’t remember every detail that happened in the first time, but I still remember pieces that feel like a fresh memory.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up with your precious motorcycle and we went back from my school with laugh and silly things. I like the smell of yours; I like how big you were so I could hug you at that time. It felt safe, in your arms.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up at my house just to go to the most hype place in South Jakarta. Just to enjoy night lights, a glass of ice chocolate and a cup of coffee. We really had a nice night and drinks, until we decided to go back home. You hugged me so tight and it made me cried. You said sorry, for leaving.

You know, I still remember the day when you picked me up and it was so hard to decide where we would go. Until we decide to go to the biggest mall at Serpong, at that time. 

With a cup of latte macchiato, a glass of ice lemon tea and a plate of ultra moist chocolate cake, we talked about anything. Laid my head on your laps and you played with my hair. It felt nice after all, furthermore when we went back home you held my hand, listened to a song that still stuck in my head, and when we arrived you kissed my lips. Long, and intoxicate one. I flew away, but then I hit the ground again.

Did I forget to tell everyone that you aren’t mine but someone else, and so am I? We –at that time—have someone that cannot be left for someone else, cause that’s who we are. I knew, I was so stupid (and selfish apparently)

I still remember the day when you really mad at me, cause you’ve waited for so long in front of my house but I wasn’t home. Well that’s, the last day I hear anything about you.

Now I know nothing about you, where you are, still with her or not, or anything about you recently... All I know now is, I am missing you and this is not good at all. You are belong to someone, and all I need to do is back away.

Hey, it’s been eleven years. It’s not that long after all, isn’t it?