the unsent letter, the unspoken words - the second letter

“So why don’t you go your way, and I’ll go mine. Live your life, and I’ll live mine. Baby you do well, and I’ll be fine. Cause we better of, separated...” Separated - Usher

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Dear someone that I used to know, it’s been a while since our very last conversation. It is kind of weird to talk to you again after all through a letter, or a short story written in letter format.

I know, now you’re belong to someone that really suits your type. A dream girl comes true, if I could say. Skinny, long and black hair, pretty and all the qualities all you want that I don’t have at all. Congratulation. She wins your heart.

I keep saying I have moved on –well, I have—but sometimes the feeling is just there and I have no idea what should I do to fix it. I try to ignore and act like it doesn’t matter at all, while in the reality it kills me mentally. People say it’s okay to feel that way, because it’s normal. It is very human, they said –and I guess so.

I dreamt about you, two nights ago. It was weird, and it makes me throw back to the memories when you were mine and I was yours.

I remember the day when you told me, you like me. I like you too, and it wasn’t weird at all. Then you asked me, “so now we’re in a relationship huh?” and my cheeks were blushed.

I remember our first fight. It hurts me until now. It keeps haunting me every-night, it affects how I think about myself; it does more damage than the day you left me behind.

You left me, and I can’t remember exactly how we broke up. All I can remember is just its unbearable pain. I cried every freaking night and it was so hard to breath properly –at that time. It feels like there is something that gone from its place. I feel empty, hollow, and lost. All I could do was just asking myself, “What did I do wrong?”

I keep questioning myself, until one of your friend –which is my friend too—in campus told the reason why we broke up. You said, “I don’t want to bother her internship in Germany cause I know, she’ll be worrying I’ll cheat on her. I don’t want her to stop chasing her dreams just because of me. She deserves better.”

That, that’s the reason you never told me before. All I know, I was not good enough for you.

And the idea of not good enough still haunts me every-freaking-day. I’ve tried to fall in love again, but I am afraid I will never be good enough for someone I’ll love in the future. Too much laugh, too much love, too much care, too much independent (this is the reason sometimes you hate me cause I did not like to ask you for something I need), too sensitive, and sometimes my mind cannot be understood. I am afraid they will leave sooner or later. The worst, they don’t even want to get closer since the first day I know them.

Hey, I am afraid.